You are viewing 
rebekah1213
You are viewing rebekah1213
 |
|
|
|
|
|
April Updates: Distractions and Weather
Front Page: April went so fast. . .
Top Headlines:
The weather has gotten warmer, but in Ohio you blink and it seems you miss the warm days. I am hoping that May stays warm. Mom was in the hospital at the beginning of the month; she had some female problems. She has to go back to make sure it’s nothing serious. She has been doing better, but she had lost a serious amount of blood. It’s funny, my mom looked like a zombie, my father when he went into the hospital for a GI bleed, looked like a zombie, and my brother had clots that made parts come off, so I am in a zombie family. Can’t my family keep blood in the body?
We have been trying to get out when the weather is warm. We took a few walks, even if it was just up to McDonalds.
We have been watching TV, and playing RPGs. It has been keeping us busy.
I keep trying to call to get an appointment for counseling to get a house, but the companies I have been working with have not contacted us back. I think one day I am just going to show up and see what they do then. Tom and I just want to know what to do to get a damn house. If his damn apartment didn’t have so many rules and people working against him, we would have still been there. I just hope that May is better month than April for finding a house. I do not want to even look until we talk to a counselor.
Health News:
I have been doing pretty well, except a few minor sinus issues cause jaw soreness. However I have been craving salad. I just feel like I cannot get enough lettuce. I just do not make a simple salad either: I have to have a protein, spinach, sprouts, tomatoes, cheese, croutons etc. I have not met a person yet who does not like my salads. The thing is I just feel healthier eating them. So next month I am buying more salad type food.
Writing and Arts
I have been editing several chapters, but I am not even half way. I hope to get there soon. I need to get this book finished by the beginning of June, so I can get the proof and then the five free copies. However I don’t want to force my book, because I want to first vampire story to make sense. This has been a four year project.
I also need to work on the other books in the series. I am not sure if I want to work on book six: Deangelo’s story or work on book 2: Daris’ story.
I wrote a short story this week inspired by Top Chef. My mom had gotten three different seasons from the library. I just wish that they didn’t come in all at once.
I am Becky and I have a problem. I am a Sims addict: I love to download Sims stuff, creating and decorating lots, and watching sims live their lives as I tell them what to do. However this game distracts me from the writing and editing that I need to do. I need to schedule time for Sims.
Local Fun
We have been role playing in several different games. In Tom’s DnD game I am an elf. I have also been a cat, because we base some our characters off of Skyrim. Normally it’s based in a medieval setting, and we deal with magic and dragons.
Now we are playing a game called Shadowrun, and it’s a futuristic game, and I am an elf who is a mechanic that sells spare parts to the black market. However what sucked is that the character sheet was so complicated that it took me and hour and half to complete and I was the fastest character made. It based off the six die. However in some situations you can role 20 or more six die. I liked it because I could picture my character in a garage, with spare parts selling in alleys avoiding main phones line so I don’t get the wrong ears hearing my conversations. I also have connections. I bust my ass, and I avoid take drugs, so I sell them as fast as I get them. I have seen several friends and coworkers die into the technological drugs. I do not like the matrix as I was told by a kid that it’s addicting and not to trust anyone who wants me to hangout in technology. However now I am working with a team and one of them is connected to the matrix.
I have been trying to experiment around the house to find free wifi. I usually only get it whenever everyone is asleep, because they are still. I also take that little time and try to enjoy myself. However I might get 3-5 hours a week, if I arrange my sleep schedule. I haven’t had a normal sleep schedule is weeks.
We have been watching a few TV shows: Six Feet Under and Smallville. I have one more season left for Six Feet Under; I heard it was the most interesting season. It has been giving me weird dreams of life vs. death. We are watching seasons 5 and 6 of Smallville. I am sad, because I know that Lex only stays until season 7.
Dear Me
Dear Me,
You need to get more motivated. You need to focus more on your writing, try your best to avoid distraction. Sims and TV are your biggest distractions.
Myself and I.
Laughter is the best medicine
Control Freak
15signs your boyfriend is control freak
15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.
10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 PM Monday night.
9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."
8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2. His TV remote has a PIN number.
1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Control#ixzz2R
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Control#ixzz2R
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn't have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won't let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn't have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn't have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob's joke about the water and pills...
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Control#ixzz2R
Soap Operas
Well, I guess my father and mom were in the hospital at the same time. Mom had to get a mass removed that was causing her to lose blood. She has to see the doctor about options next month. My father had another infection his shoulder, and he is back on IV antibiotics. However he is not letting his new wife, who is a nurse, take care of him. Now I know where I get my stubbornness.
The weird thing is that this was not the first time that this has happened. I was in robot mood up until last week; I just broke down when everyone else was a sleep as I wrote a letter to my father trying to explain why I haven’t talked to him since October. However I have not sent it yet and I not sure if I will, because there is a piece of me that wants him to figure this out on his own. I pretty sure he’ll never figure it out as he will pass blame on everyone but himself.
Okay so to make a three page letter, really short: I stopped talking to my father when he tried to control my hair, get me into being in his third wedding, and then he tried to get me to move into his old house. I believe these are controlling strategies. He tried to control my money when I worked. He would try to control hormones if he could. (He even uses my little brothers to get me to tell him info and/or to come over. I have had to drop them as well, because I know whatever I tell them, especially my youngest brother, it will get back to my father. I miss my brothers.)
Anyway, he went off moved out of his house, and into a woman with my name that he didn’t know a year. He wanted to switch all the plans for my 30th birthday, so I can bake cookies, and be in his wedding. (I really like the woman he has married, but I think they got into it way too fast. I didn’t stop talking to him, because of her, but believes it is. What gets me is that I look like my mom, act like my father, and now I have the same name as my new stepmother. . . where is my own identity?)
My father also doesn’t know the real me, when I visit him, I have this robotic mask on. He can’t handle the bitchy, emotional me. He claims that all females are unstable, but it’s just because they have hormones rushing through their bodies once a month. I can get just as hormonal as the next woman so month more so. (Tom is amazing for being able to handle me.) My father also doesn’t know about my spiritual beliefs and the fact that I have been against the church since I found out about the lairs and politics that run most churches. I also do not believe in marriage. You don’t need a ring or piece of paper to tell someone you love them or that you want to live together. I also think a child needs a mother and father: they don’t need to be husband and wife to be good parents. Most people I know that are married, feel stuck, and feel that they cannot change. Tom and I don’t have a normal relationship: we are in an open relationship, we tell each other everything and it works for us. The important thing is that we are happy.
The thing is I am happy with myself. I am happy wanting to be a writer for a living. I am happy with Tom. I am happy trying to do things on our own. I am happy with my beliefs, my love of art, and myself. I don’t care if my family approves of me or not, it’s their lost, not mine.
I think I am not talking to him the most, because I don’t want to hear that he might say that I am bad influence and he doesn’t want the boys to see me. That would hurt me the most, I really do miss them.
The thing that irks me the most at my mom’s house is when I go to edit, write, or watch TV and everyone wants me to talk to them or do some kind of chore or errand. There have been times where I would ask before and they say that they don’t need anything and yet once I get on the computer, then they would ask me do to the chore or try to talk to me. They also get me started up on some stupid thing like religion, politics, or my father, get me frustrated and then wonder why I am mad. My mother’s view and my uncle’s view are defiantly not my view. I could never have them represent me, because we look at the world completely different. Actually their views really don’t make that much sense to me.
My uncle and brother really tear down my good vibes. My brother thinks he’s always right, but I know more facts than he does. And when you add the stubbornness from our parents, he acts like a jerk. He also keeps trying to get people to buy him alcohol; I like when he is broke so he can’t drink. I would try an intervention, but it wouldn’t do much good, because he doesn’t believe he has a problem. He has a missing leg and phantom pains and he believes that the alcohol is the only thing gets rid of those pains. I think he needs to get to a doctor or use some kind of alternative medicines.
My uncle is one of the most negative people I have ever met. I have some theories, but they are kind of personal. He calls himself a realist, but he puts down every one of our hopes, and dreams that my mom and I talk about. I liked to believe at one point I was a realist as well, but a realist is one who looks at both positive and negative aspects, but still has high hopes. They dream with positivity and look at the negativity as if they are warnings. I just wish he would just find a happy place without money.
I also can’t wait to get our own place, because I rarely have time to myself and I have to share everything. I share my cookies, my salad stuff, my shampoo, my soda, this is getting old really fast, especially when I go to get something and it’ gone, because I didn’t hide it well enough.
I hope to get our own place really soon, because I really want my own space and my own stuff.
Tom and I will stay with a friend of ours at least every other weekend, sometimes more. I get free wifi, and I get to cook on a stove that has a range for griddle. It’s nice, I feel like I am cooking on a TV show in that kitchen. I also get to make waffles with strawberries.
Anyway, my mom had an afternoon to herself and my father showed up. Of course, my mom was freaked out, especially with their bad history. Anyway, so she told him that we were staying with a friend and she had no idea where we were. (It’s not a lie, because she hadn’t been around the house.) I just wish my father would leave me alone long to do something. But no, he has to try to control everything. I am not to be controlled!
Spiritual Edge
I have really been lacking in spirituality. I need to get back to my spiritual side. I have talked to the Goddess here and there. I hope for warm weather soon so I can enjoy myself outside.
I think I am going to try and find spirituality in food: in cooking it, in preparing it, and hopefully in enjoying it!
Things I am grateful for. . .
1. Sunny, warm days
2. Not being sick
3. Salads, especially with fresh spinach
4. Getting my errands done in one day
5. No pain
6. My boyfriend (being so patient)
7. Free WiFi
8. Colors of spring: flowers, leaves, and grass
9. Time to edit
10. Hope
April Updates: Distractions and Weather
Front Page: April went so fast. . .
Top Headlines:
The weather has gotten warmer, but in Ohio you blink and it seems you miss the warm days. I am hoping that May stays warm. Mom was in the hospital at the beginning of the month; she had some female problems. She has to go back to make sure it’s nothing serious. She has been doing better, but she had lost a serious amount of blood. It’s funny, my mom looked like a zombie, my father when he went into the hospital for a GI bleed, looked like a zombie, and my brother had clots that made parts come off, so I am in a zombie family. Can’t my family keep blood in the body?
We have been trying to get out when the weather is warm. We took a few walks, even if it was just up to McDonalds.
We have been watching TV, and playing RPGs. It has been keeping us busy.
I keep trying to call to get an appointment for counseling to get a house, but the companies I have been working with have not contacted us back. I think one day I am just going to show up and see what they do then. Tom and I just want to know what to do to get a damn house. If his damn apartment didn’t have so many rules and people working against him, we would have still been there. I just hope that May is better month than April for finding a house. I do not want to even look until we talk to a counselor.
Health News:
I have been doing pretty well, except a few minor sinus issues cause jaw soreness. However I have been craving salad. I just feel like I cannot get enough lettuce. I just do not make a simple salad either: I have to have a protein, spinach, sprouts, tomatoes, cheese, croutons etc. I have not met a person yet who does not like my salads. The thing is I just feel healthier eating them. So next month I am buying more salad type food.
Writing and Arts
I have been editing several chapters, but I am not even half way. I hope to get there soon. I need to get this book finished by the beginning of June, so I can get the proof and then the five free copies. However I don’t want to force my book, because I want to first vampire story to make sense. This has been a four year project.
I also need to work on the other books in the series. I am not sure if I want to work on book six: Deangelo’s story or work on book 2: Daris’ story.
I wrote a short story this week inspired by Top Chef. My mom had gotten three different seasons from the library. I just wish that they didn’t come in all at once.
I am Becky and I have a problem. I am a Sims addict: I love to download Sims stuff, creating and decorating lots, and watching sims live their lives as I tell them what to do. However this game distracts me from the writing and editing that I need to do. I need to schedule time for Sims.
Local Fun
We have been role playing in several different games. In Tom’s DnD game I am an elf. I have also been a cat, because we base some our characters off of Skyrim. Normally it’s based in a medieval setting, and we deal with magic and dragons.
Now we are playing a game called Shadowrun, and it’s a futuristic game, and I am an elf who is a mechanic that sells spare parts to the black market. However what sucked is that the character sheet was so complicated that it took me and hour and half to complete and I was the fastest character made. It based off the six die. However in some situations you can role 20 or more six die. I liked it because I could picture my character in a garage, with spare parts selling in alleys avoiding main phones line so I don’t get the wrong ears hearing my conversations. I also have connections. I bust my ass, and I avoid take drugs, so I sell them as fast as I get them. I have seen several friends and coworkers die into the technological drugs. I do not like the matrix as I was told by a kid that it’s addicting and not to trust anyone who wants me to hangout in technology. However now I am working with a team and one of them is connected to the matrix.
I have been trying to experiment around the house to find free wifi. I usually only get it whenever everyone is asleep, because they are still. I also take that little time and try to enjoy myself. However I might get 3-5 hours a week, if I arrange my sleep schedule. I haven’t had a normal sleep schedule is weeks.
We have been watching a few TV shows: Six Feet Under and Smallville. I have one more season left for Six Feet Under; I heard it was the most interesting season. It has been giving me weird dreams of life vs. death. We are watching seasons 5 and 6 of Smallville. I am sad, because I know that Lex only stays until season 7.
Dear Me
Dear Me,
You need to get more motivated. You need to focus more on your writing, try your best to avoid distraction. Sims and TV are your biggest distractions.
Myself and I.
Laughter is the best medicine
Control Freak
15signs your boyfriend is control freak
15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.
10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 PM Monday night.
9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."
8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2. His TV remote has a PIN number.
1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Control#ixzz2R
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Control#ixzz2R
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn't have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won't let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn't have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn't have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob's joke about the water and pills...
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Control#ixzz2R
Soap Operas
Well, I guess my father and mom were in the hospital at the same time. Mom had to get a mass removed that was causing her to lose blood. She has to see the doctor about options next month. My father had another infection his shoulder, and he is back on IV antibiotics. However he is not letting his new wife, who is a nurse, take care of him. Now I know where I get my stubbornness.
The weird thing is that this was not the first time that this has happened. I was in robot mood up until last week; I just broke down when everyone else was a sleep as I wrote a letter to my father trying to explain why I haven’t talked to him since October. However I have not sent it yet and I not sure if I will, because there is a piece of me that wants him to figure this out on his own. I pretty sure he’ll never figure it out as he will pass blame on everyone but himself.
Okay so to make a three page letter, really short: I stopped talking to my father when he tried to control my hair, get me into being in his third wedding, and then he tried to get me to move into his old house. I believe these are controlling strategies. He tried to control my money when I worked. He would try to control hormones if he could. (He even uses my little brothers to get me to tell him info and/or to come over. I have had to drop them as well, because I know whatever I tell them, especially my youngest brother, it will get back to my father. I miss my brothers.)
Anyway, he went off moved out of his house, and into a woman with my name that he didn’t know a year. He wanted to switch all the plans for my 30th birthday, so I can bake cookies, and be in his wedding. (I really like the woman he has married, but I think they got into it way too fast. I didn’t stop talking to him, because of her, but believes it is. What gets me is that I look like my mom, act like my father, and now I have the same name as my new stepmother. . . where is my own identity?)
My father also doesn’t know the real me, when I visit him, I have this robotic mask on. He can’t handle the bitchy, emotional me. He claims that all females are unstable, but it’s just because they have hormones rushing through their bodies once a month. I can get just as hormonal as the next woman so month more so. (Tom is amazing for being able to handle me.) My father also doesn’t know about my spiritual beliefs and the fact that I have been against the church since I found out about the lairs and politics that run most churches. I also do not believe in marriage. You don’t need a ring or piece of paper to tell someone you love them or that you want to live together. I also think a child needs a mother and father: they don’t need to be husband and wife to be good parents. Most people I know that are married, feel stuck, and feel that they cannot change. Tom and I don’t have a normal relationship: we are in an open relationship, we tell each other everything and it works for us. The important thing is that we are happy.
The thing is I am happy with myself. I am happy wanting to be a writer for a living. I am happy with Tom. I am happy trying to do things on our own. I am happy with my beliefs, my love of art, and myself. I don’t care if my family approves of me or not, it’s their lost, not mine.
I think I am not talking to him the most, because I don’t want to hear that he might say that I am bad influence and he doesn’t want the boys to see me. That would hurt me the most, I really do miss them.
The thing that irks me the most at my mom’s house is when I go to edit, write, or watch TV and everyone wants me to talk to them or do some kind of chore or errand. There have been times where I would ask before and they say that they don’t need anything and yet once I get on the computer, then they would ask me do to the chore or try to talk to me. They also get me started up on some stupid thing like religion, politics, or my father, get me frustrated and then wonder why I am mad. My mother’s view and my uncle’s view are defiantly not my view. I could never have them represent me, because we look at the world completely different. Actually their views really don’t make that much sense to me.
My uncle and brother really tear down my good vibes. My brother thinks he’s always right, but I know more facts than he does. And when you add the stubbornness from our parents, he acts like a jerk. He also keeps trying to get people to buy him alcohol; I like when he is broke so he can’t drink. I would try an intervention, but it wouldn’t do much good, because he doesn’t believe he has a problem. He has a missing leg and phantom pains and he believes that the alcohol is the only thing gets rid of those pains. I think he needs to get to a doctor or use some kind of alternative medicines.
My uncle is one of the most negative people I have ever met. I have some theories, but they are kind of personal. He calls himself a realist, but he puts down every one of our hopes, and dreams that my mom and I talk about. I liked to believe at one point I was a realist as well, but a realist is one who looks at both positive and negative aspects, but still has high hopes. They dream with positivity and look at the negativity as if they are warnings. I just wish he would just find a happy place without money.
I also can’t wait to get our own place, because I rarely have time to myself and I have to share everything. I share my cookies, my salad stuff, my shampoo, my soda, this is getting old really fast, especially when I go to get something and it’ gone, because I didn’t hide it well enough.
I hope to get our own place really soon, because I really want my own space and my own stuff.
Tom and I will stay with a friend of ours at least every other weekend, sometimes more. I get free wifi, and I get to cook on a stove that has a range for griddle. It’s nice, I feel like I am cooking on a TV show in that kitchen. I also get to make waffles with strawberries.
Anyway, my mom had an afternoon to herself and my father showed up. Of course, my mom was freaked out, especially with their bad history. Anyway, so she told him that we were staying with a friend and she had no idea where we were. (It’s not a lie, because she hadn’t been around the house.) I just wish my father would leave me alone long to do something. But no, he has to try to control everything. I am not to be controlled!
Spiritual Edge
I have really been lacking in spirituality. I need to get back to my spiritual side. I have talked to the Goddess here and there. I hope for warm weather soon so I can enjoy myself outside.
I think I am going to try and find spirituality in food: in cooking it, in preparing it, and hopefully in enjoying it! I made grilled pork with a garlic, onion butter sauce. It was very good.
I had an idea. . . I was thinking of making a small review corner on my writing blog. I have been reading the book The Marshall Plan for Novel Writing and it says to read my genre. However I have learned I write in several genres: Paranormal; Occult; Vampire; thriller; drama; and mostly Horror. My favorite authors are Anne Rice and Stephen King.
What I was thinking was to read short stories or pieces of novels and give them reviews on my blog. I thought that if maybe I review a few others, then others would see and they could review as well. When I ask for feedback, I want to know if my characters are likable, and relatable. I want to know if my story is actually interesting. As a story-teller and writer, I basically want to know am I really bringing written art to the world or am I just wasting time? I want to know if there are others who want to read my work. I will post my reviews on my writing blog http://RebekahWolveire.wordpress.com
Fellow Writers. . . what I need for a review
This is how I plan to write my review.
If you are interested please message me at RebekahWolveire@yahoo.com or go to my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/RebekahWolveire
“The Whispering Path.” By Rebekah Wolveire
Is free for the next week (with coupon code)
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/20
Your coupon code is AT84H (not case-sensitive).
Expires April 18, 2013.
Please read and send feedback.
Wrestlemania 29 April 7, 2013
Predictions (are in bold and underlined)
Rock Vs. Cena
Punk Vs Undertaker
Swagger Vs. Rio
Triple H Vs. Lensar +1
Orton/Shamus/Big Show Vs. Shield +0
Hell No Vs. Ziggler/biggie +1
Jericho Vs. Fadango
Miz Vs. Barrett
Ryback Vs. Henry
Miz Vs. Barrett
Miz fought Barrett during the preshow and many, including myself, were upset that they were not part of the show. I know they mention it during the shows, but I think they were just pressed for time and took the match off the card. I give it a D simply I wanted Miz to win, but since I didn’t see it I can’t grade them anymore.
Orton/Shamus/Big Show Vs Shield
The only reason the shield one was due to the fact that Orton and Shamus didn’t want to wrestle with the Big Show. I wanted Orton/Shamus/Big Show to win, but Orton crossed the Big Show. It’s funny the Big Show looks like someone Tom and I are acquainted with. I would give the match a C. I think the grade would have gone up if they had worked together, won and then took each other out.
Ryback Vs. Henry
I really don’t like Henry as a heel (bad-character). I think he is misunderstood, but cheating doesn’t make sense. At the beginning it took like cave man arguing on who got the bigger dinosaur. Ryback took a lot of pounding simply to wear Henry out, which was smart. However I think that Ryback is stronger than Henry, but I really thought that Henry was going to cheat to in. I also thought that Ryback was going to move a bit faster. Henry won and I give the match B-, because it still threw me for a curve.
Hell No Vs. Ziggler/biggie
I was impressed with AJ’s legs, but that was the only thing good on her. I really don’t like Ziggler, he just rubs me the wrong way. First he was a cheerleader for Vince and then he was with Vickie. Ziggler tried to mimic goat boy, but goat boy pinned him for a two-count at the beginning. I give the match B-, because the team I wanted to win, actually won.
Jericho Vs. Fadango
I don’t know what WWE was thinking when they hired Fandango. . . he just keeps dancing around. Is it for entertainment value? Come on, he dances when he should be fighting. . . did Vince hire him to please his political wife. This match is so corny that is making want to have an interest in MMA fights; at least they have blood within real fighting.
The match really annoyed me. This freakin’ drama queen stole a hold from Jericho. I am not a Jericho fan, but I am not happy that twinkle toes won a match. For entertainment value I give this match a C-.
Swagger Vs. Rio
I don’t like Rio and his announcer looks like a monkey. However I think that Swagger is just plain stupid. I was quite bored with this match.
I don’t know who is worst, it would be better if a third party knocked them both out. I was so disappointed that I give this match a D.
Undertaker Vs. Punk
I am so happy. 21-0. Undertaker won (and it shut Tom up for this year anyway. He kept razzing me about the small chance that Puck could win. HaHa he didn’t!)
Punk actually tried to win with a count-out that is just so low.
CM Punk tried to cheat, but Undertaker won in the end. (My voice went hoarse and I got a back spasm from freaking out.) I give the match a B+, because it was an awesome match.
Triple H Vs. Lesnar
I don’t think it is fair that Triple H was fighting for his career. I think that if you do a career match then both players are fighting for their career.
I also think Lensar does steroids. I want Lensar to tap.
I enjoy HBK being a distraction and him kicking Hamin for Triple H to win.
Normally, I would give this a B+, but Shawn Michael made it an A. DX Rules!
Rock Vs. Cena
What is up with the Rock and the damn bulls?
I’m not really into either wrestler. I think they need to choose movies or wrestling and stick with it. I just think that they are sell-out.
I also think That Triple H Vs Lesnar, or Punk Vs. Undertaker were more of main event matches.
No to mention there was a Cena near our table that her screams made my ears bleed. She sounds like someone is trying to kill her.
There were a lot of submissions. Good ending: the Rock was confidently waiting and Cena turned it around. I give it a C+.
Overall
The show was well done. I would give it a B-.
A few suggestions.
Divas bras and panty match.
There should be no count-outs in a wrestlemenia match.
Waitress shouldn’t have th right to add the tip in the main check.
Top Headlines: Moving on up. . .or just out
Everyday week Tom and I were busy working on packing. Our friend is storing our stuff and we are staying with him and my mom while working on the process of getting a house. I had to tape the box, wrap in newspaper, linens, bubble wrap, or whatever is soft. I had two boxes and some clothes; the rest was just Tom things.
It was so sad to see the apartment empty. I had been with Tom for almost six years, so there were a lot of memories. He keep focusing on getting the house, but I think he was still a little sad to move out. I liked the facts that the apartment was so close to a bus stop, the sidewalks, and parking lot was always shoveled, the flowers looked great in the summer, and it was so close to a grocery and retail store. I also enjoy our own little space and privacy and now it will not happen until we get a house.
Health News
I am mostly healthy, but spring is coming and my sinuses can feel it.
I have been overworking myself and I have not been able to catch up on my sleep. I need so serious sleep for energy. There times I will take a nap or sleep until 1 or 3 and be up too late at night.
Writing and Arts
I have printed out several chapters of Melzela, but I am only half away through the pages. It seems that every time I get extra money to print pages, it goes to something or someone else. I just hope to get finish Driving Lies, and edit Melzela by the end of April. I have been working on the same five chapters for the entire month due to the time needed in the move.
However I am being publishing two different pieces this year and I had to work on those.
I’m also trying to get more blogs out soon.
Local Fun
I have been playing a lot of Sims when I know I should be editing. However it is my release. I just wish people would stop telling me how to play.
The shows I am currently into: Supernatural, Smallville, Six Feet Under, Boy Meets World, and Married with Children.
Dear Me
Dear Me,
Stop letting the guilt get to you. You don’t deserve the guilt. You need to move on.
Myself and I.
Laughter is the best medicine (is on hold this month)
Instead I am posting . . .
Quotes by Gandhi. (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/auth
1. I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
2. Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
3. Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
4. If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
Soap Operas
Okay, I am not talking to my father right now, because several reasons, the main reasons are his controlling natural, there is always a catch with him, he can complain about issues, but everyone else can’t and I have to hold back who I am (he could never handle it.) However what kills me is that I haven’t seen my brothers since September and I really do miss them. (There mother, who is out of state, has seen them twice before I have seen them once.)
Tom and I have been moving and I hate dealing with my uncle every time I need a ride. It is the only thing he does, and we give him gas money. He is also really negative and I am drained emotionally and physically every time I am around him. (I used to be this perky, caring person, but it’s people like him that have pushed me down.)
I think mom likes us there, but I really need my own space. I had having to wait until 2am or later for my own time.
Spiritual Edge
I am reading a spiritual book called Power Spellcraft for Life: The Art of creating and casting for positive change by Arin Murphy-Hiscock
Part 3
On page 52, I got words that it asked me to define.
Ethnics is the study of common sense and what society/culture believes is right and wrong. (However common sense is being something of the past.)
Responsibility is doing what needs to be done. It is making a decision and living with consequences. (It is knowing that all actions have consequences.) For example making sure all of the bills are pay before you go out.
Values is something that has meaning in one’s life. Most people value one’s family and friends.
Top Headlines: Overwhelmed. . . moving is just too much.
I am overwhelmed. Moving is a bitch. We are dealing with HUD/HFA. (Government groups for housing issues)
· We have to compare storage pricing.
· We have to buy boxes.
· We have to pack.
· We have bribe, convince, blackmail, and ask for favors from friends to help us move (twice).
· We have call ten dozen different numbers only to tell us to schedule a meeting with a counselor from the group.
o We have meeting with people about whether or not we are qualified to got a house. I know we are qualified, but I guess they don’t.
o After we fill out a million applications all asking for the same information, then we get background, credit scores, and probably FB statuses checked.
o Then we wait and look for houses and hope we get approved before the house we want gets outbid.
o Once we find a house we like and are approved, we then place a bid on the house and we hope no one out bids us.
· Then if we get the bid, inspect the house, and get the group to approve it, we might get to move it.
These steps are hell within themselves, and the process can be as short as 6 months to as long as two years.
Health News
I’ve been having sleep issues. I either sleep for 10 or hours at time (if the cats do not interrupt my sleep) or I sleep in 4 or 5 hour intervals, which always come at the wrong time. I’ve been have weird dreams, where it would be better if I was better by myself than with people. Is my unconscious anti-social too?
I’m finally over my cold, but my uncle’s smoking gives me a horrible cough.
I’m addicted to soda-pop; I need to cut down. However my head freaks out that if I try to save my soda that everyone else is going to drink, so I have to drink it first.
I need to get back into shape.
Writing and Arts
I have been trying to edit but I’ve been so tired and overwhelmed from moving, organizing and dealing with my family that it has been hard to focus. I know time is running out.
Melzela Editing Goals
Chapter Date Due
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
Total
*W Wednesday
*S Saturday
Unless notified
Driving Lies (Writing/Finishing Draft 1)
Chapter
6
7
8 3/17
9
Total
Crimson Shadow Collection Book 6 Deangelo
Madeline Diary 3/24
Local Fun
We have been borrowing DVDs from the library and we are currently into Smallville. In fact, it’s now right now. I’m not really a Superman fan, but I have found that Lex Luthor’s character very interesting. (maybe I can just relate minus being worth the billions of dollars.)
Tom got a new computer to help his credit score. It is so fast, but worries me that I will not be able to keep up. I’m excited to get Sims 2: nightlife and pets installed on the computer.
Dear Me
Dear Me,
You are stronger than you know.
You are prettier than you believe.
You are younger than you feel.
You are capable of doing anything that you put your mind to.
Things will happen, on their own time.
Hang in there
Myself and I.
Laughter is the best medicine
Theme: moving
1. Two moving van men were taking things into a house.
One said, “Joe, help me move this chest.”
Joe asked, “Why? Did miss Jones tell you to?”
“No.”, replied Tom.
“Then how do you know she wants it moved?” asked Joe.
“Because she’s under it.”
2. One neighbor said to the other: “I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.”
3. A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
Soap Operas
Well, we really have had much drama with friends or family as we have been focusing on moving. (Okay, maybe there was one good thing from moving.) We also had some issues with the cell phone. (So for those who wanted to contact us, but couldn’t I’m sorry. . . okay maybe not that sorry. I have learned to appreciate my own time.)
I haven’t talked to my father or my younger brothers in months; I do think about them, a lot. However I cannot keep living a double life and I do not think my father could handle who I really am. (He always talks about how women are broken/unbalance. It’s hormonal, but I think between living with a perfectionist (as he is),not working, but staying home (his own request), never doing things his way, and having household full of men that do not understand how a woman works throughout the month, it’s beyond overwhelming. I have so much held back emotion from acting like a robot in his house that I only have one good week a month, if I am lucky.)
Spiritual Edge
I am reading a spiritual book called Power Spellcraft for Life: The Art of creating and casting for positive change by Arin Murphy-Hiscock
Part 2
On page 52, I got words that it asked me to define.
Right/Wrong (I have learned that not everything is black or white. There are many shades of grey.) I use one of my mottos to determine right or wrong: “Do onto others as you want other do onto you.”
Justice is living at least a day in someone else’s shoes. It is being honest with yourself and other. It is righting a wrong in a person’s life without purposely harming someone else. It preventing a wrong choice before it is made.
Rebekah’s News © February 2013
Front Page
Top Headlines: I'm trying to push forward
I'm still stuck, depressed. Some days have been better than others. It just seems whenever I feel better someone will step on my nerves or make me feel bad. I am just taking it one day at a time since I just don't have any good money for a shrink.
I also think I will need a few journals for the next few months as Tom and I are staying with my mom's family. I really don't have much time to myself.
Health News
My body is still fighting from this horrible cold. It lasted most of January, and I am never grateful for breathing out of my nose until I get a cold. I hate to sleep when I cannot breathe out of my nose; I kept getting dry-mouth.
I took my antibiotics, but my kidneys still hurt when I drink too much soda. It's hard to measure a good amount when I have 2 litter bottles. It's easier to say no more than two cans a day, and then I know how much I have left. (Everyone keeps drinking it over here, so I can't measure it correctly out of a bottle, grrr.)
Writing and Arts
I've written a few blogs. I also managed to get my first draft of a short story I had to write for a friend of mine. She wanted to collect stories from all kinds of people and publish them as an anthology to be sold for charity. I just like having the recognition. Anyway, the story is so 1300 words of bittersweet material about how I found my passion for writing when my musical path wasn't as stable as I believed it was.
I edited the story three times and I still think there are errors. I hope my friend reads it and catches some. I added 700 words and changed the title. The final title is called Changing Platforms.
I was supposed to be editing already, but that hasn't happened. I have been staying with my mom and I have been very distracted lately. I hope to finish Driving Lies and the start editing fresh in February.
It's the end of January and Driving Lies didn't even got touched unless you count me holding the two pages of the chapter I was supposed to work on as everyone would irk me with some money issue that I had no control or that they wanted to show me some new TV series or movie. Need to do three things in February. . .
Send my story Changing Platforms to my friend
Finish Driving Lies (I have three more chapters.)
Edit my first book of my vampire series Melzela
If I get a chance or need a new project I can also work on finishing a few short stories I have started. However I am working on the first three things first.
Local Fun
Tom and I have been staying over my mom's house. We have been playing two different Final Fantasy table top RPG games. Man, do those games drain me; I mean they are fun, but the pulling the over-nighters are going to be the end of me.
I really miss my internet, which I might get once a week if I am lucky.
I try to play Sims when I can. I have been watching a lot of TV series that we have borrowed from the library. The series that I am really into: Two Broke Girls, Melissa and Joey, Supernatural, Bones, NCIS, CSI, Dark Angel, and The Good Wife.
I also love being here with the cat. I really think that I communicate with cats better than I do with humans. I know it's sad, but they don't complain or smother my perkiness with such negativity. I just feel better when I get to pet a cat as it purrs.
Dear Me
Lyrics from “Me, Myself and I” by Hanson
“When did it start getting old?
When did it stop being worth the time
Just to see it through?
I don't wanna get used to 'It's over'
We've already said too much
To make it new
When I'm alone in a cold, dark room, well
There's still someone
That I can tell my troubles to
Me, myself, and I will never be alone
We'll find a way to get along
And we'll be fine
When all that's left is me, myself, and I
Myself and I will never be alone
We will find a way to get along
And we'll be fine
When all that's left is me, myself, and I
Well it's hard to see you don't belong to me
'Cause I gave you the best part of my life
Well, I tried to be everything that you want me to be
But I don't have to give you reasons why
'Cause all that's left is me, myself, and I
I'm not gonna try to forget
Maybe happiness Is worth the chance
Of a bitter end?
'Cus here at the end of the road
I don't really care who is right
I'll give you the last word tonight
'Cause me, myself, and I will never be alone
We'll find a way to get along
And we'll be fine
When all that's left is me, myself, and I
Myself and I will never be alone
We will find a way to get along
And we'll be fine
When all that's left is me, myself, and I
La do do, la do do”
Laughter is the best medicine
I live in Ohio and right now we have a pretty good amount of snow, so that is my theme about the jokes this time.
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
Where does a snowman keep his money?
Answer: In a snow bank.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Answer: Cold cash!
Soap Operas
Well, I didn't go to my father's wedding, but I didn't get out of bed that much during that weekend. I felt like something was holding me down. I'm pretty sure I disappointed a bunch of people, because I wasn't there tell something else that they hated about me.
I redyed my hair bright red again, but I did not get the shocked reaction I was looking for. I thought I was going to get more drama on facebook, but I think that my father's side of the family is afraid to tell me anything. I think they are waiting for me to explode.
I know right now I am not sure of myself, but I feel that I don't really fit in that side of the family. I'm into a stable job with an expensive house and 2.5 kids working my ass off to barely make all of the bills. I just hope my writing eventually pays off financially even 1/10th of what it has with my happiness level.
I have been dealing stress of the government trying to support my brother's disability. They just keep driving us in circles, not giving us any clear answers. I am just hoping we get everything figured out by the end of the month as I need to focus on helping Tom get into the right programs to get a new house.
I know I am not always the easiest person to live with as I can be very demanding and I have times where I take over. (I just think I can do thing a lot faster than explaining it.) However since we have five people in the house and I am making at least 75% of the dinners, I've made several lists: grocery, supplies, to-do list etc. It is frustrating, because I am dealing with the pickiest person in the world my negative uncle. Then he had the actual nerve to tell me to “deal with it.” I have to make sure we have enough food for meals, I am not just getting over it or just dealing with it. He and I have been going rounds: food, smoking, gambling issues, money issues, job problems, and negativity. I cannot be productive with so much negativity around me. nbsp;
Spiritual Edge
I am reading a spiritual book called Power Spellcraft for Life: The Art of creating and casting for positive change by Arin Murphy-Hiscock
Part 1
On page 52, I got words that it asked me to define.
Truth is accepting all of the colors that make up a person including the bright, overly irksome, perky, sweet, and even the dark, depressing, overly emotional and ugly colors. (It is to know that nothing is perfect. It to accept the way things are. There are many people who cannot handle the truth; they need to learn to face it one small piece at a time.)
Freedom is the choice to do something or nothing whether or not you know the consequences. (Freedom is choice. Freedom is not always peace.)
Respect is accepting everyone’s difference and imperfection. It is tolerating each other. (Respect has nothing to do with age. I will respect those who respect me; it’s muetral understanding.)
Not myself: Depression
I'm a rut, slope, downfall, whatever you want to call it. Anyway I have been in one since October. (I think I masked it in November with my two NaNoWriMo writing projects.)
The end of September my grandparents (on my father's side) had their 50th anniversary party. Tom and I did so many errands to get ready for the party. I ripped my dress, and had to sow it in my father's van while going to the party.
Let me back it up, my father always made me very insecure of his side of the family. I honestly believe he really pushed over his own insecurities to me. Anyway, we always had to have Sunday's best on to see my grandparents even if we were just going to play outside anyway. It's not like I was going to wear dirty clothes, but it was as if we were always trying to make an impression on them. It was like my father was trying to be at the same level of his own father.
Anyway Tom and I had to do many errands to look nice for this party. My father did nothing but complain. He said Tom's slacks were too short, first of all they were 300 pair of slack that he had to borrow from his friend. It just pisses me off, because they weren't really short. And then my father put down my dress. (Then he tried to push one of my ex-stepmother's dresses that was the size I wish I was. Looking back that was a kick in the balls, if I had them. It's like saying “Here have her baby, since you can't have one of your own.” OUCH!)
I had dyed my hair bright red that summer, (same color I have now), anyway it had faded and there were pink streaks in my ash blond roots. I didn't have the resources or time to redye my hair before the party. I really didn't notice it until I had brushed my hair that day. I actually like the pink streaks, it was like I was a party-girl and a with the blond still trying to be me. . . it was my own look.
I felt like crap just going there. However the biggest comment that floored me.
“Hi. Becky. How are you? I hate your hair!” My grandmother stated as both of my grandparents avoiding me all day like I was the plague. I wasn't in any of their pictures. However my aunt and her kids are greater than gold and perfect little angels. (My siblings will never compare to them, ever! Even though I was the first.) The thing was I called my aunt three times that day. If I knew how awful that was going to be, I would have not gone or at least called a ride home.
Then at the end of the party, my grandfather only words to me were yelling at me. I was talking to the DJ with my younger brother and he yelled at us because of a time issue. I didn't know that we had to be out by a certain time. I never felt more rejected in my life; it wasn't a rejection, because I got scolded for money; it was the fact that the first and only words from my grandfather were words of rushed annoyance. Is that what I am to him an irksome thing he sees on holidays? Am I all I am to grandmother is something she can use to put her daughter up higher?
For years, I had this idea in which I would write positive stories about those who have made me who I am. I have my love of computers from my grandfather who worked at IBM for over 20 years. One of my personal goals was to bake like my grandmother; I also believe she was the one I got my love of paintings and art from. However after this experience it just really hard to pull the positive out. So I guess this idea I want to will sit on the back burner, until I feel positive again.
There is still more with this story. . . later that weekend, Tom and I were at a friend's house trying to watch football and forget the bitterness of the stinging party. My father called me up chewing me out, because his mother, my grandmother had chewed him out about allowing me to have hair like that. Then he pressured me about his wedding. (I was honestly questioning: I believe he was rushing into things and I don't think that they knew each other enough. Anyway I was and still am horrified of my father, I just believe that the monster that I saw as a kid, will come out as a kid. I witnessed a lot of violence as a child which he caused and it's only time that he will become that again. I am afraid I am becoming that, but that is another story.)
He wanted me to assure him that I was going to redye my hair a normal for his wedding in which he wanted me to be a part. I didn't want to wear a dress. I hate dresses. If I was thinner in the upper arms, had flatter stomach, and had better toned hips and ass, then I would wear damn dresses all of the freakin' time. I look fat and flabby in dresses. I hate dressing up, and going out where 90% of the people are rude and stuck up to me.
What I wanted to say was no, I will dye my damn hair any color I want to. If I want a damn rainbow on my head, I will have it! I am 30 years, I have the right to express myself. It can be worst, I could have countless piercings and a full body of tattoos. I express myself with my hair; physically it is one of my best qualities.
I also wanted to say that he was rushing too fast into this wedding and that he can't even live with himself over year before having to find the next person to fill the empty space he thinks he has. (It is the fear of being alone.) If he is too afraid to face himself, then why would he put someone else in that position to do the same thing. He is a perfectionist and is almost impossible to with. I hope she is stubborn enough to keep her way.
I am freaking out that she has my complete name. I just hope he doesn't call out names in bed, because that would really freak me out. I also feel in away that with her having my name that she is replacing me. (I know it sounds weird, but I'm down to Beck, know any more with my name it would be “B” and then “Hey you.” It's one thing if you are just too lazy to say Becky, but I just don't feel like I have my own identity anymore.) I tried to drop it, thinking that I am over dramatizing it, but my head just will not let me do that.
Anyway weeks went by and then my father and Becky decided that they had to stop to see if I fit the dress, which of course I didn't and I couldn't stand the jacket. I like tank top idea, but the coat had to go. Tom's apartment wasn't clean as I wasn't expecting them over. I just felt like my father was judging us on a dirty apartment during a surprise visit. I will admit I do clean for company, and normally, I am use to a bit of clutter. (When it comes to all of my writing items, even with clutter, I know where each thing is.)
I just felt like during that visit he looked at me like he was better than me. I just felt like he wanted to say that he taught me better on keeping the place clean. I felt like he wanted to say, “You are just like your mother.” Can't I just be myself? He eyes basically asked in an attitude” Damn, do you really live like this?” He made me feel like I wasn't clean enough. It was like dealing with my grandparents all over again. I think that is really the moment when I first notice my depression.
After that I tried my damnedest to avoid all calls and messages from him, because when he did slip through all it was calls of work, guilt trips or lectures. He was moving his house, because he couldn't afford the mortgage after my bitter cheating ex-stepmother had gotten the courts to make my father pay her alimony. (Again that is another story.)
Most of November, it was easy to avoid him, because I was working NaNoWriMo: I was writing two different projects at 50,000 words each. I did accomplished my goals. However I didn't get to finish one of the two novels. I helped Tom with one of his novels and once that I noticed that he finished before I did. I think he was right that it was one of the triggers of my depression, because the last week of November it was extremely hard to push myself to work like I had weeks before. My mind didn't want to work or focus since the end of November. It was hard to finish my projects, but I manage to get to my goals even if I was dragging.
December, However, was hard. There were days I didn't get off the couch. I didn't answer the phone. TV was just a blur of color. Music didn't help me. I feel bad as there were some days that Tom had peanut-butter and jelly, because I was too depressed than to get up and make him something hot. I would sleep either 10-14 hours in a row or I would sleep for 5 hours up a few hours and then sleep for another 5 hours.
I tried getting out and shopping, but it didn't help. I was mentally fried and I couldn't get any clear thoughts out. I liked being over my mom's house better than the apartment, because at least I knew someone was cooking and cleaning. (Rich people would go a spa and get counseling over something like this. I normally get Winter Blues, but they usually are not until late February when I have been locked in the apartment too long. However this was far worst than any case of Winter Blues I have ever gotten. I felt I was losing myself. There have been good and bad day more bad lately than good.)
I tried dying my hair, making it funky color, bright red as Tom loves it and I was hoping that it would perk me up. However it didn't perk me up at all. I was just a depressed person with bright red hair.
Between December 14 and 28 was the worst of all it. I didn’t remember much of that week, but do know I didn't go to the wedding.
Tom got me to get out on Christmas and visit his family as he didn't want to go alone. However I think I would have had a better time if I was sleeping on the cold couch. Everyone was at everyone's throats over giving out our opinions on facebook. It's facebook, get the fuck over it!
To make things worst, I was depressed that my immune system was shot and I got sick. I had a horrible viral head cold, kidney infection and pain issues with my right ankle. I had to go to the hospital where I felt 4 out of 5 doctors and nurses felt I was melodramatic. I couldn't put pressure on my damn ankle and then they found a kidney infection. Those are more bills that I cannot pay, damn it!
It was about two weeks later, my ankle was doing better, but my cold was still holding on. Tom wanted B.O.L.T.s for dinner which were BLTs with onion. It was a starting out as a good day: Tom had gotten several loads of laundry done, we had most of the living room cleaned up, and I even had the dishes started without feeling like I had to force myself. I got dressed. I went to sign myself out of the apartment and there was a new woman working the front desk. Most new girls will watch you sign, but they just shrug their shoulders and go back to their own business. However this girl (who was pregnant like that wasn't karma pushing my buttons) decided to get into my face about the rules: How he couldn't have any overnight visitors which makes no sense. (He's a grown man, a building system shouldn't tell anyone who can stay over and for how long. . . there has to be some kind of rights of his that they are breaking.)
She said she was just going to brush it off, but I was already worked up. I had no voice as it was. I didn't want to get Tom into trouble, because this hormonal woman wanted to be all high and mighty. I had gotten three compliments on my hair at the store, but I was so worked up that couldn't enjoy them. Normally, I would hold my tears, but this depression has made me not act or think like myself so I cried in the store.
She harassed Tom the next day when he was asking about package (which we never got by the way.) Anyway she made him feel like crap as she didn't brush it off, but she then started to tell him that he was only allowed to have visitors between 8am and 5pm. This is really shit. I am friends with one of the people that work at the front desk on the weekends and she said that is not one of the rules. After Tom got harassed from her, he doesn't want to go back. He doesn't feel like he or any of his guests are welcome in what he was supposed to be considered his home. I was also there, not just because I was his girlfriend, but that building is not meeting his disabled needs. The lights are not bright enough, and he needs someone there to help him cook and clean for him.
So we stayed over my mom's house for while. I have no concept of time and my mind as much of it is a tangled ball, will not stop. I haven't had decent sleep since I got harassed over a week ago.
Then Sunday my father called under a restricted number and believing it was a friend of mine, I answered it. He gave me a guilt trip. Then he told me missed me at the wedding. Whatever.
I tried to explain my depression and he just threw this place that doesn't help anyone. They either give you drugs that make you more unbalanced or they talk for three days and then say your instantly cured as you end up back there just months later. I want to fix my problem, not just mask it.
If he wasn't snapping or giving me a guilt trip then there were moments of silence. That is not my father, he usually never shuts up. I just felt like he didn't care so why should I? I did not go to the wedding, because I didn't care. In fact, I would have liked to see my young brothers dance. I could barely get off the couch and it seemed not to phase him.
He kept trying to push his house. If he drops his house, he'll have no debt and he claimed he wanted no debt. He asked if we wanted the house. (I wouldn't mind the house, but I do NOT want what is with it, which his control over everything. I would rather have Tom and I struggle to get our own house than to have his house with his control.)
I miss my brothers. However I feel that it's going to be sometime before I see them.
What I don't miss is my father saying that he isn't going talk bad about people, but as long as he use a bible verse he thinks he could put them down. (I am not siding with my ex-stepmother, but there has to be somethings that my father did to push her to cheat.) I am not better than he is, but he is not better than me.
My depression/ rut feels like. . .
| Title: | October Updates: Family Drama and Halloween |
| Topics: | analyzing, creative, family, father, hopeless, nanowrimo, spirituality, tarot, updates, writing |
| Date: | 2012-10-27 @ 10:41 |
| Security: | public |
| Mood: | determined  |
